The Legacy of Jack Handey

Dumb Questions
*How come men are never known as 'gold diggers'?
*If I was a chipmunk with a candybar head, would other chipmunks accept me as one of their own or gnaw at my head?
*They say it is genetically dominant to have six fingers on each hand and six toes on each foot. If this is true, who executed all the six finger tards, and if they survived, what would we do with all the five-finger gloves in the world?
*What is the deal with the nursery rhyme "black sheep, black sheep"? I have never seen a black shep in my life! If this is true, what do they make my red shirts out of?
*They say that tag-a-longs can be so annoying. But I think they are useful. I stuff all my packages with them.
*Why can't we look on the positive side of natural disasters. Like if there was a bunch of tree logs rolling down from the mountains to crush us, that would make things a ton easier for the paper mill.
*I think people are always looking for a problem to think about. Like if they didn't have something to compare with other people, they would be annoyed because everyone was trying to be exactly like them.
*I can't stand abuse! Everytime I see a man yelling at his wife violently, I want to beat the crap out of him.
*This is how I write when I have insomnia.................
*Did you ever notice how everything in life is a blessing and a curse? Like for instances: eating icecream tastes good but makes you fat, big noses are not socially attractive but great for shooting snot rockets, having a crappy car doesn't score with the ladies but is the shizzle at monster rallies, and Lebron James may make millions on the basketball court because of his size but must feel claustrophobic in just about every building he enters.
*If everyone was shifted back a lunch in the McDonald's drive-thru line so that the person behind paid for the person in front of them, would the last person in line get a free lunch? (Don't think too hard about this one, I am way beyond tired!)